A college basketball analyst's guide to working in corporate America
Swap the microphone for a keyboard, but make sure you keep the cliches.
Thanks for starting your week off with a cup of Basketball Joe. If you haven’t already, consider subscribing to get the newsletter in your inbox every Monday. Unlike an actual Cup Of Joe, it’s free! Due to the holidays and light schedule last week, we’re going to keep things light and do something a little bit different this week. Enjoy.
There are few things in this world that college basketball commentators and announcers love more than a good cliche.
Cliches provide a crutch for an announcer to lean on when they’re searching for something to say when describing a game because the number one rule as a broadcaster is to always be something, even if what you’re saying means nothing at all. This is the Stephen Bardo Commandment.
But let’s imagine a world in which college basketball analysts could not lean on their beloved cliches in a time of need. Better yet, let’s imagine a world in which college basketball analysts are out of the game altogether and have to find a new line of work. For many, basketball is all they know, and an adjustment to the grind of a 9-5 would not be for the faint of heart.
In this alternate reality, let’s go on a journey through the grind of cubicle life in corporate America with some former college basketball analysts such as Dan Fraschilla, Ray Bilas, and Phil Raftery.
A demanding manager awaits at the E-Commerce Software Provider Network (ESPN, for short), and the learning curve will be steep for our trio of analysts as they’re thrust into their new roles as customer service reps.
Luckily, I’m here to help smooth out the adjustment. As a trusty HR staffer here at ESPN, I thought it would be handy to create a guide that might make them more comfortable. Using some of the most common and frequently used cliches and tropes from college basketball commentary, I’ve put together a memo that translates some of those cliches into the corporate jargon equivalent.
This list of 10 phrases will be crucial to making sure that Dan Fraschilla, Ray Bilas, and Phil Raftery are comfortable and able to relate to their coworkers at the water cooler.
Cliche #1: This team doesn’t need a 3 here!
“John in Accounts Receivable doesn’t need to work on that weekly status report yet. Sure, it’s due by the close of business, but it’s 4:45 on a Friday and he’s already thinking about that First Weekend Beer. He should send a few emails, maybe organize his pens, and there’s always the chance that one of his colleagues will help out as he puts it off. At best, he’ll be in the same situation with even less time than before. At worst, there won’t be enough time to complete it and he can just deal with the ramifications next week.”
Cliche #2: You can just tell that kid plays like a coach’s son.
“Eric might be a new account executive, but you can just tell that he knows this business. He inherited his dad’s Rolodex, and his dad made sure to teach him the fundamentals of the trade as he grew up. Now that he’s here at the Company, those skills are starting to show. He nails the witty banter at golf outings. He picks up the tab at client lunches. And you know he’s always the first to laugh at a potential client’s corny joke in the board room. He does everything you need to make the client happy. It’s just in the genes.”
Cliche #3: That player just plays the game The Right Way.
“You really can’t come up with a better employee than Rick when it comes to maintaining an office culture. He’s always quick to refill the printer with paper. You’ll never see him take the last cup of coffee without getting a fresh pot going. Office birthdays? He’s on top of them all. Rick has never microwaved fish in the break room, and he’s a lock to always put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Sometimes you just can’t teach the intangibles, and Rick has those.”
Cliche #4: That player says “you can’t guard me!”
“Megan is absolutely on fire right now and she’s letting everyone in the office know. That monthly budget spreadsheet has nothing for her! She’s hitting it with VLOOKUPs, Pivot Tables, and she’s just giving an absolute masterclass on relative and absolute references. She’s carrying the entire finance department on her back right now.”
Cliche #5: They really just need to go out there and execute the gameplan.
“Look, the marketing department has been having daily meetings all week to prepare for the big presentation on Friday afternoon. The creative director on the account has tinkered with and tweaked the slide deck, and he’s finally settled on who should be in the room to make the pitch. The arrangements have also been made for bagels and coffee to be in the board room before the client’s arrival. It’s a foolproof plan, and if everything simply goes as planned, the team should be able to secure the account.”
Cliche #6: They’re called free throws because they’re free!
"You really can’t waste opportunities to score easy points with management. There’s a reason you practice proper email etiquette. Holding the bathroom door open for the boss? Simple but effective. And you’re leaving points on the table if you don’t pop in on Monday morning and ask how their weekend went. The little moments add up and could be the difference between getting that promotion or not.”
Cliche #7: Sometimes you just gotta hit shots.
“Sometimes a staff accountant’s job really just comes down to one thing: you have to make accurate journal entries. Without them, everything else falls apart. The budgets end up off. Closing the books at the end of the month becomes even more of a hassle. And if you think you’re going to be able to put out the annual statement on time with a wonky general ledger? Forget about it.”
Cliche #8: It’s my first time seeing them play, but there’s really a lack of leadership on the roster.
“So, I went up to the sixth floor because I had to deliver an invoice to the Accounts Payable. When I was up there, the vibe was just off. Everyone had headphones in at their desks. There weren’t any decorations up, the only snacks in the break room were Wheat Thins and a few packs of raisins. Now, that’s the only time I’ve ever interacted with anyone from that department, but something isn’t right there. Who’s in charge there? Someone needs to step up.”
Cliche #9: This player is having a good game and is, therefore, one of the best in the country at his position.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen anyone have the type of day that Martin is having today. His efficiency is off the charts. He’s getting to every email in a timely manner. He’s stepping up to proofread all of the deliverables before submission, and he just sent out an email blast asking for Jimmy John’s on the Company’s dime (chips included). A performance like this shows that Martin has to be in the conversation as one of the best office administrators in the country.”
Cliche #10: That player can really score the basketball.
“Look guys I tell you what, Steve can really analyze those financials! It’s almost like it’s in his job description!”
See you next Monday. Enjoy the hoops and have a happy and healthy New Year.
If you’re already a subscriber, thanks for reading, and please considering sharing with your friends and other college hoops junkies. I’d love to hit 100 subscribers by the end of the year (13 away, as of Monday morning). I’d also love to hear any tips, feedback, suggestions for topics, etc. Let’s chat on Twitter (@ChrisSchutte3).