All of the items from Jon Rothstein's online apparel store, ranked.
Because who doesn't want a college basketball reporter branded t-shirt?
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Sometime within the last couple of years, there was a shift in the online media landscape. If you want to make it big, you have to Become A Brand. Twitter, podcasts, an email newsletter fresh in your inbox every Monday morning, gambling content, high-fiving you on the Peloton leaderboard, it’s all necessary if you want your star to shine brighter.
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely familiar with CBS Sports reporter Jon Rothstein. He fits squarely into the category of the latest wave of media members that are carefully curating their online persona. You can find him tweeting out college basketball scoops, hawking his Instagram page that is full of supposedly EXCLUSIVE content you can’t get anywhere else, and you can even send him $250 on Cameo if you literally don’t have a better use for your money.
He also has an online apparel store that features t-shirts and other apparel that feature all of his favorite catchphrases, many of which make sure to attribute the slogan to himself by putting his name on the shirts.
If seeing them on Twitter 4,208 times already hasn’t numbed your brain, then these shirts might be for you. Here they are, ranked.
57. Stay Positive, Test Negative
Any time you can cash in on a once in a generation global pandemic, you gotta do it.
56. Notorious Jon Rothstein
For when a sorority girl wants to buy a sweatshirt for her boyfriend to match her Notorious RBG shirt at brunch.
55. It Spreads
A LITTLE ON THE NOSE DON’T YA THINK JON?!
54. Only Temporary Mask
Gotta make sure the cashier at Walgreens knows that this mask was inspired by your favorite college basketball reporter.
53. Only Temporary Gold
Just in case you wanted to spend an extra $10 to get it in gold.
52. Aligns Cubes
Horrid color. Also, a Rubik’s cube has six colors, not three. Just bad all around.
51. Fortune 500
Some people just love corporations!!!
50. We Sleep In May Varsity
Perfect for your audition for the Breakfast Club remake.
49. This Is March Letterman
Genuinely did not know that letterman jackets existed outside of high schools.
48. This Is March Hoodie
You can get a gray Champion hoodie online for $35 if you don’t want to pay the $30 premium for a catchphrase.
47. We Sleep In May Hoodie
Same deal. Navy is better than gray, so it gets the slight nod.
46. We Sleep In May Crewneck
I can only imagine the despair one would feel when they log on to make a purchase only to find out that this is sold out.
45. Some People Have Hobbies
This one comes in nine different colors, and the cursive signature is a nice touch. Add a little flair to your wardrobe!
44. Anarchy Jacket
Would be a perfectly fine jacket without the catchphrase.
43. Anarchy Hoodie
Pick a font! You can’t do 80’s thriller and Corporate Memo text on the same thing!
42. Anarchy T
From a distance, this could be mistaken for an early-aughts pop-punk band t-shirt.
41. Epitome of Brutality
Can we get some font differentiation? Please?
40. This Is March
Meh.
39. We Sleep In May
Whatever.
38. Frank Martin Incapable of Submission
Just a strange phrase to begin with, but that’s a decent rendering of Frank Martin.
37. We Sleep In May Backpack
It’d be absolutely hilarious to see somebody rocking this at an airport or in a coffee shop.
36. We Sleep In May Hat
Not any better or worse than any other dad hat on the streets.
35. The Original Renovation
All of these shirts look like something you’d get at a campus Barnes & Noble. Take that how you will.
34. Locked in like a CPA on 4.14
Nothing screams Cool and Hip like Archie Miller and CPAs.
33. And. Here. We. Go.
It’s all fun and games until someone stops you at Trader Joe’s and ask why your shirt is misattributing one of the most famous movie quotes of the 21st Century.
32. Houston Redemption
Bland.
31. Omaha
Bland but in blue.
30. The Importer
Eric Musselman imports vintage Amontillados that he stores in his cellar for special occasions.
29. Weekend at Your In-Laws
A classic bit that calls for [checks notes] Times New Roman in the subtext of the shirt?
28. The Mission
Of all the coaches to have a bit for, Keith Dambrot might be the strangest.
27. More Consistent Than…
Good color scheme, impossible to read.
26. Facts of Life
Word Art text is making a big comeback in 2021 and this shirt is proof.
25. A Thing of Beauty
Perfectly unexciting, just like Virginia basketball.
24. BMF
Hmm.
23. Don’t @ Me Bro
I’ll be honest I don’t know who this is.
22. College Park
Maryland is neither in the northeast nor an even remotely enticing spring break destination. This shirt should be removed for false advertising.
21. Poppin Like
Is Orville Redenbacher’s family aware of the existence of this shirt? Should their lawyer send a C&D?
20. More Life-Altering Than A 10 Day Trip To Europe
Folks LOVE telling you about their trip to Europe, so this one is sure to be a conversation starter.
19. More with Less
Why is LESS crossed out? Does that not render the statement incomplete? Am I going insane?
18. Pounding Nails Roll Up Your Sleeves
A fine design and for some reason the only long sleeve shirt on the site.
17. Pounding Nails
The heather red is better than the deep red of the long sleeve. Sue me.
16. Stone Cold
I don’t watch wrestling so I don’t know if Stone Cold Steve Austin is a good comp for Chris Mack.
15. The Carpenter
The thought of Dan Hurley wandering around with a saw is extremely on point and moderately concerning.
14. Forensics Officer
We’re getting into the territory of shirts that are Actually Not Terrible now.
13. Chief OG
Leonard Hamilton PLEASE drop that skincare regimen my dude. I’m 25 and already have more wrinkles than you.
12. *******
This caricature of Bobby Hurley does not adequately capture just how nuts he is on the sidelines.
11. American Gangster
Replace the American flag design with dollar signs and this would immediately shoot to the top of the list.
10. Silent Assassin
Cool design, lame coach.
9. Silent Assassin Winter
The winter hats on the site are actually not bad (it’s not hard to make a decent beanie).
8. And. Here. We. Go. Winter.
If you’re properly social distancing, nobody will be close enough to you to see Jon Rothstein’s name plastered on your forehead.
7. Pounding Nails Beanie
The red on this hat POPS!
6. Carpenter Win-Ter in Storrs
I’ll be honest, I’d probably wear this hat. You can never have too many winter hats.
5. The Chiropractor
This is where I confess that I haven’t seen any of the Godfather movies. I’ll take my scolding off the air, thanks.
4. Fully Loaded
Why does this caricature of Chris Beard give me Ronald Reagan vibes?
3. Owns March
This would make a great gift for my Michigan State alumna mother if it were from literally anywhere else.
2. Jungle
It’s the stock image of the basketball in the middle for me.
1. Cage Match
HELL.
See you next Monday. Enjoy the hoops.
If you’re already a subscriber, thanks for reading, and please considering sharing with your friends and other college hoops junkies. I’d also love to hear any tips, feedback, suggestions for topics, etc. Let’s chat on Twitter (@ChrisSchutte3).